Don't ever look back (:

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm back to posting in this blog, because it is exactly what i don't want and don't wish for people to read.

If you find my blog by chance, then good for you.

Honestly i still remember what you've all said to me at that time. Really, i don't blame you guys for saying what you did, but then again i didn't say i wasn't disappointed after hearing them. You all said i was very much of a flirt, that i treated girls differently from guys.

I'm at my wit's ends.

From the time you said that, i've really put in effort to treat you people better, you know, so that i treat both genders equally. I've really tried, sometimes feeling awkward or cautious, but i told myself to persist because i was improving. Sad to say, congratulations to you. Because i think you've just successfully made me feel that after all these efforts i've not changed at all, in the least possible hurtful way. I feel so useless, so darn shitful lol, cuz whatever i do it just ain't enough :/ I mean, just look. Whatever you name it, i'm not good at it. In fact, i suck in it. No doubt.

So as i was saying, i don't blame you for saying what you said. I think i might actually understand it (okay maybe not literally but whatever, i shall understand it anyway!). Maybe you guys feel that you understand me when you gossiped about me behind your backs. Or maybe you people assumed that i was just as normal as any of you. Hah! You're wrong.

It's not that i don't want to, or that i don't enjoy going out with you people. Sigh the next part is something that i haven't actually admitted to anyone yet. It's fucking difficult lmao. It's not easy to go up to even your best friend to say that "hey, i think i prefer to go out with guys because i don't feel wanted or needed." Sounds really pathetic lol. Maybe it's my mentality but i swear i really feel that way sometimes. :/ Going out with only girls... From the way you people talk and move around, always makes me feel like you're all comfortable with the presence of each other and whether i am there or not doesn't make a difference. Somehow i don't feel so self-conscious when i'm around guys. Or really, maybe i just needed more guys around me due to whatever reason. Okay it might also be possible that i'm just a pure flirt lol. (I really sound like i'm finding excuses for myself)

"Do not judge a girl by her actions, for she has a story behind everything she does."

You people haven't lived through my life, it's not fair to come to whatever conclusions you all have just by being around most of the time. I have a life at home too, i go through things different from you all and vice versa, but i've always asked myself why i need to do certain things you guys don't have to. Even up till now i still think the way some of you behave is very spoilt .__. feel like a bitch saying all this.

9:38 PM I'm awesome ^^